1000 Ways to Say Fuck You

I never though I'd be, fall victim or prey to -this- so infinitely arrogant have I been in my total security that nothing so catastrophic would ever happen to me again in the man department. Again. That time was so horrible when I do have to talk about it I look down, talk fast, offer a haphazard smile. Don't feel bad for me, it's no big deal. In the past. See how calm I am? Anyway what's new with you? Pleasedon'taskmeanyquestions. I may break if I have to delve too deep. From age 15 to 19 everything that could have gone wrong went wrong. So I convinced myself that God would never put me through anything so traumatic ever again. Smooth sailing from here on out.

It's amazing how confident a 19 year old girl can be a burying every feeling she ever had. And how. Floored. That same girl can be when they all come flooding back. I'm not so arrogant to believe that my experiences are so unique that no one on this planet can understand the feeling. But it sure feels like it.

And now I've encountered a dynamic I completely neglected to consider. That another person's blithe uncaring and selfishness could ever affect me in such a way. Or that I'd ever want so much for someone that the realization that they. ain't. SHIT would ever hurt me so much.

This is probably the universe's way of letting me know I was never meant to be anything romantically or sexually but a man's wife. But once a good girl's gone bad, she's gone forever - right? Ahem. Good woman. Bad girl. Don't get it twisted. There's so many of us that are like that and we don't realize how damaging it is to look at a man that you let into your Bad Girl life with Good Woman eyes. That's a read on me. I won't use the "l" word, I doubt at this point in my life I even know what that means. I will, instead, use the word "caring."

Caring about someone that you only introduced to one of your facets is dangerous. Especially when that someone doesn't even have a grasp on who they are. Is hypocritical. Says one thing but means another. Chases after a porn stars but denounces them in the next breath? You can't wait on someone to come back to themselves when they didn't know who they were to begin with. I don't know what to call the potential I thought I saw. Whimsy? They say you can't turn a heaux into a hauswife. Well. Here's another proverb:

YOU CAN'T TURN A FUCK NIGGA INTO A STAND UP GUY.

Alot of us enter these little non-titular relationships thinking that the lack of a label lessens the blow when the non-relationship falls short. When the other person inevitably disappoints us. I've had to tell myself a lot of things.

Like. Just because you don't want to be his woman doesn't mean you don't want him to be good enough to be your man. I'm like at a loss because every understood rule has been broken. Friends. Relatives. This nigga literally does not give a fuck and the events of the last week made me realize this: nothing is sacred.

This last Saturday my Stepdaddy passed away and in the midst of updating friends on his condition I had to witness some fold shit. And have that on my mind, but the thing that stood out to me during this time was. On my Stepdaddy's deathbed, my mother said this to him: "Baby, I'm so sorry your life had to turn out like this." I was struck at the unselfishness of that statement. Even though her heart was breaking her thoughts were on his life. They were highschool sweethearts. It made me think about the hopes and dreams women have for the men in our lives. How much we want for him to be better, stronger - not different from what he is but MORE. And how much that want takes a toll on us and how unappreciated that want often goes. How it is looked at and twisted into ulterior motives, groupieism, golddigging, and become excuses to do wrong, get rid of us, lie, cheat when all it ever was was care.

It hurts when you want so much for somebody and they don't have the good sense to see that they surround themselves with users, liars, with people who never have a good thing to say about them behind their backs, and followers. Earlier I tweeted: "I hate when people do something so unforgivable that it compromises your integrity to be on good terms with them ever again." Why'd you have to go and do that? I could go on all day about selfishness, uncaring, and all of that weepy shit but. Beyonce's "If I Were a Boy" just came up on my playlist. Never though a song I used to roll my eyes so vehemently at could so perfectly vocalize how I'm feeling right now. "...and you lose the 1 you wanted cause he's taking you for granted. And everything you had got destroyed." I be worried 'bout the wrong thing. That's my cross to bear. I could delve into 1000 Fuck You's but they'd be all of them compromising my promise to myself to always exude grace. Besides, you seem to have everyone else fooled. The emperor has no clothes y'all.

To finish, I'll close with this:

You can't want good things for someone who doesn't mean you any good at all.

The Community Dick Survival Kit

(Here to illustrate our point, one of the most poignant examples of Community Dick ever. Proof that Community Dick does indeed exist in every socioeconomic bracket)

Ladies.

Ever been playing catch up with a girlfriend at a party, apartment, shopping -- the setting doesn't matter, but you're having girl talk - and excited about a new boo or potential new boo you drop the jewel of who he is on your girl. And get this reaction: "Oh girl, for real?" Eyes widen. Sips drink. "He's cute." Clears throat. Looks off. Changes subject.

Oh girl. There is a 95% chance that you, yes YOU have been sleeping with The Community Dick.

Ahem.

Community Dick - n. a man who has slept and/or is sleeping with a good bit of women in the same social circle or social scene. If you're both on the same page The Community Dick can make a great friend and give you priceless insight into the male psyche. If you aren't. Um. See: "Busting Windows Out your Car" by Jazmyn Sullivan. Or the infamous wedding dress shootout scene from "The Brothers." Yeeeah.

Now that we have a definition of Who He Is, let's go about identifying him:

1) There will be -something- about him that you can never quite put your finger on. The Community Dick is usually handsome, well spoken, neatly groomed, and extremely charming but beware, that -something- is what will get you. He's usually not even really a bad guy and probably an ahem. Outstanding member of the community. *giggle*

2) Innumerable friend girls he flirts with via various social networks that give him the oh-so-convenient excuse: "It's just Twitter/Facebook!"

3) A career with flexible hours, or hell no career at all.

4) He wants to keep things "between us." I understand the whole "keeping our business private" angle and the whole "omg what if he's ashamed of me?" but girl. 9 times out of 10 he wants to fuck your homegirl/soror/cousin. -_-

5) He dodges relationship/commitment like the plague. Happy to give you a good bit of the privileges without the title.

6) An overwhelming attachment to his mobile device.

The list isn't foolproof, not all men who fit the description above are Community Dick, and that last one could describe of lot us, ladies included, but you get my point. Now, let's proceed

You've identified New Boo/Potential New Boo as Community Dick. D-:

It's a fucked up situation because he's probably slept with a friend or two and he's never exactly treated you -bad- and you're not in a relationship because The Community Dick is very careful to stay commitment free. The good news is, you can take control of the situation.

First of all, don't get mad at your girl, that is the WRONG thing to do as well as hurtful because she was probably in the same situation.

Secondly DO NOT catch feelings! The Community Dick does not LUH these hoes! In the unfortunate case that you do catch feelings, be honest with him. You'll probably get your feelings hurt, but that's a hell of a lot better than getting your heart broken further down the line. And cease and desist all sexually activities. Once there's feelings involved the sex isn't worth your heart. I know. I know the allure of being The One that changes a man is all too tempting, but honey the story about the Bad Boy straightening up his act for the Right Woman? Urban Legend.

Thirdly. Don't act crazy with the inevitable -other- women in his life either. I mean the ones outside the homegirl and casual acquaintance category. You are tempted to size her up, figure out what she has that you don't but that'll just drive you nuts. No doing dumb shit either like standing too close to her in the club when you know y'all aren't cool like that or excessively walking near her, coming closer every time you pass by.

Last. Do Not under ANY circumstance Revenge Fuck his friend/frat brother/relative. You will get talked about. Bad. And chances are they're Community Dick too

Like I said. It's a fucked up situation, don't make it any worse than it already is. Also this is not a man bashing post, I'm sure plenty of Community Dick types have been rehabilitated and gone on to be wonderful boyfriends & husbands. But it's something they've desired to do on their own, not something any woman has forced on them.

Rundown: Don't take your anger out on the wrong person, keep your heart, and most importantly keep your class. If you discover that you have unwittingly let The Community Dick in your life, don't panic. Look at the situation from all angles, keep your head, and for God's sake use protection.

What Is Allowed?

I see this all the time. Girl frustrated with guy in her life because he lies, cheats, refuses to commit, can't be tied down, won't listen, or is just an all around douchebag. Girl vents. Girl is told by friends "well they only do what we ALLOW them to do." Girl agrees, gets herself all worked up, stomps off resolved to not take his shit anymore. Seems like the story should end there, but now you've alienated the man. He probably doesn't even realized he's done wrong, and there you are all empowered - but without said guy - and you really liked him!

So, here is the dilemma. How do you "disallow" men from doing the shit they do and I don't mean some grand How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days Two Can Play that Game scheme either. Because. Ok. Some of them ARE douchebags who aren't worth your time, but then there are some great guys who can be rehabilitated. That just do. Stuff. That irks us. And I don't want the solution to be to change the man, after all if you like him it should be for who he is. So ladies and gentlemen. I need your insights please. What are your dealbreakers? When do you let it go and when is it worth saving? And gentlemen, if you only do what we "allow" you to, what'll make you want to stop?

The Barbie Rebuttal

I have a tattoo on the back of my right ankle. When I first got it no one knew what it was, it's a more recognizable symbol now due to a newly rehashed ad campaign. More on that later. The idea for this tattoo first struck me in 2007 but it wasn't until the summer of 2009 that I had the nerve to follow through. Pause. My tattoo is simple in nature, it's just a girl with a ponytail. And it's the Barbie logo. I was content to just have my little tattoo because I was confident in what it symbolized but now that symbol has been vilified. And Barbie has been a lot of things, but never a bad girl. 2010 is Barbie's 50th anniversary and in celebration they've relaunched their vintage logo, the one I have so brazenly emblazoned on my ankle. Of course the Barbie movement has had some help with the rise of popular rapper, the "Harajuku Barbie" herself Nicki Minaj.

Let's start with the thought that Barbie skewed our idea of beauty with her blonde hair and blue eyes. As a black woman I can understand that frustration, but to a more forward thinking mind she only represents a type of beauty. I have had friends who fit that blonde/blue eyed model but then I have had friends with the natural fro'd out hair, brown eyes and chocolate skin. And they are equally beautiful. Now, with the understanding that beauty comes in all forms let's proceed from here. Mattel has of course evolved from the standard prototype Barbie and has gone on to include dolls of all ethnicities being added to the Barbie family. True enough, they still have a ways to go with accomodating every race but it is comforting to know that they are aware of the need.

Recently, lifestyle guru and Twitter aficionado E. Bereola published an article lambasting the Barbie monument - hailing Nicki Minaj for marketing strategy and at the same time chastening her followers for being vapid enough to fall for it. As a fan of Mr. Bereola's New School Dandyism and advocacy for modern chivalry I could not have been more hurt. The article chastised women for thinking that this Barbie mold was what men wanted, instead telling us what men do prefer. Is this not as arrogant and as pretentious as the company who first presented us with a blonde haired blue eyed doll and told us this was the standard of beauty? Mr. Bereola goes on to say that if one were to cut Barbie open we would find that she has no heart or no soul. But. I can't in good faith repeat this advice.

Oh, if I were a boy. How could you say that to a little girl with dreams of being a doctor who receives Doctor Barbie for her seventh birthday? Or Ballerina Barbie? Or Astronaut Barbie? Or Businesswoman Barbie?
The doll has become so vilified for being vacuous that everyone has forgotten every time a new Barbie is released, she's usually released with a career. You see, for a girl, for years Barbie hasn't represented what we aren't, but what we can be. Don't look at her aesthetic, dig a little deeper.

Barbie is universal, a symbol from a time where "housewife" and "secretary" were the only occupational options for women, that told little girls could grow up to be whatever they wanted to be - that their achievement was not limited to the kitchen. Barbie is the ultimate Miss Independent so for men to try and take that definition of her away from us is tantamount to trying to revoke our rights to vote, work, and own land. That's harsh, but the meaning is so heavy.

True enough, Nicki Minaj is a gimmick, an entertainer and I can understand you gentlemen's frustration with Nicki imitators: the high pitched voices, vacant stares, and over embellished outfits but to overlook the more internal purpose of Barbie in lieu of caricatures of her simply is not a fair assessment. Don't limit us so! Women of all colors grew up on Barbie. I owned a ton of black Barbies - delighted to have a plaything that actually resembled myself, which further adds to the universal appeal of Barbie.

As a fashion major I feel compelled to defend Barbie, largely in part because my livelihood depends on a knowledge and understanding of pop culture and ability to move with the times. Technically, Barbie is a "fashion doll." When I thought about my tattoo I wanted something that represented how supremely feminine I am, a woman's woman. I revel in anything that is super girly, something about Barbie resonated with me and yes I wanted something that represented my love and livelihood of fashion. And no, I don't look like the blonde haired blue eyed Barbie by any means but as I stated before, my reasoning goes deeper than aesthetics.

Ladies, Barbie belongs to all of us. A solid part of American and even World History, she is bigger than Nicki Minaj and even bigger than Mattel. She represents how far we've come as a s3ex and at the same time how far we have to go. Barbie is a friend, not a foe. I have the Barbie logo stamped on my right ankle, I wear it proudly. The girly, fashion and makeup obsessed, educated, intelligent, articulate and yes even a little ditzy me is a Barbie Girl. And that's not a bad thing.